According to WalletHub's survey that asked Americans what they'd rather do than pay taxes, a few top choices were to change a stranger's baby's diaper, fold 100 fitted sheets, clean public toilets, break their own arm, kill a stranger without getting caught, and explain sex to their children. Sheesh! Some people really hate paying taxes.

Take, for instance, Allen Thompson, who owns a Grover Beach short-term rental (STR). He spent a good couple of hours trying to put me to sleep ... er, I mean, explain to the Grover Beach City Council why his city-licensed rental isn't subject to the transient occupancy tax (TOT) because—according to Thompson—three years ago when he told Mayor Jeff Lee he'd diligently paid the tax, Lee "smiled and said, 'The city of Grover Beach appreciates the money because you don't have to pay that.'"

Did Lee say that? He seemed pretty cagey about it. Maybe he misspoke or was misunderstood, but does it matter? The point is the city told Thompson repeatedly he was required to pay the TOT and now he owes Grover Beach an estimated $16,215.52 in taxes, late fees, and penalties.

Are you having trouble sleeping? Tune in to the Aug. 22 City Council meeting. Thompson starts droning on and on at about the one-hour mark.

"Mayor Lee has let the cat out of the bag; the toothpaste cannot be put back into the tube," he cliché-bombed the council at his administrative appeal hearing for failure to pay taxes.

Good grief, man! For years you've been warned. Despite what you think Lee said, you are required to pay TOT, and now you're coming before the city to argue your STR doesn't fall under the definition of a "hotel" so you shouldn't have to pay.

Semantics: the branch of linguistics and logic concerned with meaning. It's the mental yoga mat upon which Thompson contorted himself. When is a house a hotel? According to city ordinance, "Hotel means any structure, or any portion of any structure, which is occupied or intended or designed for occupancy by transients for dwelling, lodging, or sleeping purposes, and includes any hotel, inn, tourist home or house ... ." Yada-yada—it essentially covers anything a transient can rent for less than 30 days. Thompson read this to the council and then argued, "The word 'house' doesn't mean any old house, and my house is not a 'tourist house.'"

He even consulted "Dr. Brenda Helmbrecht, who's the associate chair of the Department of English at Cal Poly SLO," to confirm that the phrase "tourist home or house" means "tourist home or tourist house," and his is a single-family house, see? Not a "tourist house!" This dude is a world champion nitpicker!

He's also a special, one-of-a-kind snowflake. All Grover Beach STR owners understand they have to remit TOT except this guy, who went on to compare himself to the child in the Danish folktale willing to bravely stand up and say, "The emperor has no clothes."

Oh man, this martyr's complex runs deep!

City Attorney David Hale thinks the $16K tax bill is probably "woefully deficient" since Thompson has refused the city's request to audit his books. Hale noted that it's uncontested by Thompson that he runs a STR, rents it to transients, and collects revenue, which is the very definition of hotel despite what "an English teacher" told him. In fact, Hale argued, the tax is a tax on "transient people," not the rental structure.

Also, according to Hale, even if Mayor Lee told Thompson he wasn't required to pay TOT, it doesn't matter because Lee doesn't have the power to revoke the TOT law. If Lee says murder is legal, don't believe him, man!

The real nail in Thompson's metaphoric "death and taxes" coffin was when Hale reminded him that every year when he signs his STR permit with the city, he checks a box saying he'll abide by STR rules, one of which says TOT must be paid. You freaking agree to it every year in writing!

"If we wanted to use the term fraud, it's pretty close," Hale said of Thompson's behavior. Tax fraud and tax delinquency of more than three months are cause to revoke an STR permit, and he's a couple of years in arrears.

Thompson couldn't and wouldn't let it go. He argued that he didn't collect the tax from his guests because he didn't think it was required, which means what? He lowered his rents? Come on, dude! You just made more money because you didn't pay the TOT.

Thompson also got surly about Hale's depiction of his expert witness: "I sought the advice of a professional. Rather insultingly, he referred to her as an English teacher, maybe like he's the guy that polished up the handle of the big front door. I don't know."

Oh boy! Technically she is an English teacher, and I bet dollars to doughnuts she didn't interpret Grover's hotel definition, only rendered her opinion that "tourist" modified both home and house, which isn't germane anyway. So, guess what happened?

Yep, two boring hours later, by unanimous decision, Thompson was ordered to pay his back taxes. His STR license was also summarily revoked. You can fight City Hall. You can also lose. Δ

The Shredder pays its taxes and likes it. Contact the little patriot at shredder@newtimesslo.com.

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